so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
