Small penises have feelings too.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
