Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
