sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
