I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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