I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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