My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
