Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
