can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
