I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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