Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
