my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
