She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
