If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
