This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
