why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
