I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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