just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Don't make out with my wife yet
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
