Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
