Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
be right there i have to get my cape
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
