i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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