Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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