Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
