I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I love you. Go after that dick
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
