Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever