see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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