I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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