I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We need to get me chipped asap
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
