I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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