Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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