What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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