Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
