Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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