In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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