I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Randomize
