Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
