Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
