youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
