i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
