my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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