I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
