I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
