the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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