If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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