I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
