Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We left an ass print on the piano.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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