he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
