Best friends brother. Beat that.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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