my phone needs a breathalizer
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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