there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
