No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
