the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
