my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What drink are we having for lunch?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
