im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was confusing and full of hummus
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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