so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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