i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
