i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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